Thursday, October 19, 2006

As in Putangina Talaga!

This is a classic example of an emotional orc. Enjoy pare!

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Update lang Pare

It was an uber busy week for me pare. Sometimes nga I felt like I don't have a life na. Just imagine pare, my life was like making ikot na lang sa work and more work pa. Tapos Claude pa was always making kwento pa on how great daw Tim Yap for being such a nice boyfriend. The hell pare! As if naman I care no?! I don't even have a lovelife nga tapos she'll make me pakinig pa to some of her boring kwento no. I swear pare, if ever I get puno na of that kadire love affair, I'm going to say right in her face pare to fuck off talaga. Sometimes kasi, I felt I was being abused na for being such a good buddy to some of my friends eh. Its ok lang kaya to teach them a lesson or two for them to learn. Namimihasa kasi sometimes and they always tend to make asa na lang saken pare. I'm that lupet kasi eh.

Anyways share ko lang dude, my mom talaga is such a weirdo. She bought kasi a trampoline yesterday. I mean, what the fuck was she thinking ba? I'm her son kaya so she should learn na to give us some kahihiyan no. I just can't imagine my stupid matanda ng mom bouncing using that trampoline. Buti na lang pare she told us that it was for my quasi-cousins daw. The hell talaga pare! Buti pa my cousins, they got what they wanted from my parents, ako I need pa to make uto my girlfriend before to buy me yosi pa. Shit talaga! I'm starting to hate those monkeys na naman.

Tapos yesterday pa, some orc-like katutubos really ruined my aura at G4 pare. I went there kasi to buy the lean shake formula from GNC as a meal replacement and to buy na rin sana some undergarments from Armani. At the escalator going up, there was this katutubo who was really likot and from time-to-time making bangga na at my back. So I confronted him nga, I told him, "Are you bakla ba?!". I never thought pare na he was with his tribe pala. I think there are six of them who all turned to me because I confronted their kalahi no. Good for them pare, I'm an animal lover, because if not, probably most of them will go home all like patay na. So I just told them na lang na I don't make patol to bakla natives no. Good for them talaga.

So yun na nga diba? I've lost my gana na to continue on with my agenda yesterday. So I called na lang Hilariously Stoopid to pick me up kasi I need pa to replenish my aura. Fuck kasi those bakla natives eh!

Probably, I'll just buy na lang later.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Orc Spotting

Ok pare, I have some friends asking me na on how to spot daw ba an orc from all the uber dami ng tao here sa pinas. Its very simple lang naman pare diba? Below are 10 things you should know to spot an orc...

1. They are always making kumpol almost on all public places making loud kwentos to each other and making loud tawas while speaking to each other with English accent pa! Tapos when you look at them they are like very much natives pare. Complete with the balat mahirap pa.

2. People aboard some masa jeepneys and other public utility vehicles with their rather gaudy and obviously second hand ukay-ukay clothes. Tapos sticking out pa their latest got-from-the-bombays-as-hulugans celfones from time to time for all to see. Kaya naman most of them usually ends up all patay na from the tusok on the side they got from being held up. Lousy no?

3. People who are flashing their faux-brand clothing like Louis Vuitton, DKNY, etc. tapos making lakad lang together with their big bags containing their lutong bahay baons and everything-they-need-for-the-day-na-galing-from-haus-just-to-survive kit dahil they are making tipid to save their money pa to buy some mumurahing drinks from Coffee Bean or Starbs to look cool pare. Tapos when you try to stare at them for about ten minutes, some words starts na to magically appear all over their body no.. Words like "FAKE", "POSER", "ORC" and may complete phrase pa na "HEY! LOOK AT ME, I'M LIKE A FUCKING YABANG POSEUR NO!". Optical illusion? Hell NO pare!

4. People making tambay along sidewalks (i'm referring to makati, ortigas and QC business districts pare) and trying hard to look sosy by making hithit their mumurahing Phillip yosi. Very much looking like a bunch of crapolas if you ask me.

5. People with complete set of AM/FM stereos tapos making it tago lang inside their pockets para it would look something like an ipod pare. Tapos even though there's a loud music na sa place, they will try to wear pa rin their headphones and make headbang. Eh they are listening lang naman to AM balita no. The hell pare!

6. People wearing thick jackets even though its sooo fucking init sa pinas. Tapos when they try to make taas na their kili-kili to make the funk its like so dripping wet na with the baho masa juice.

7. People wearing uber kapal chin-chun-su foundation just to hide their panget faces and only goes out at night because they're afraid that the tanghali sun might melt their faces and reveal the kadire physiognomy underneath no. As in!

8. They live at the ipis and daga infested squalid part of the city. Places that the goverment should consider bulldozing na because of the pollution they generate and the low morality they teach their uber daming kids which are the future holduppers and kidnappers here sa pinas.

9. All the baklas and tivolis you see at night making pakalat-kalat at the business districts. Tapos they are making tingin pa with matching pagnanasa pare in their eyes. As in asa pa them no!

10. And they have this uncanny ability to irritate my aura. Its creepy and eery at the same time.

So there.